capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
