the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
