hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
