Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I intend to get homeless drunk
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
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