Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
