I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
