Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Randomize
