hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Randomize
