i already hear my dad disowning me
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
