What did I eat last night that was bloody?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Congratulations! We have a period
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
