Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
