Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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