umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
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