Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
