The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
