She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
