Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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