I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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