Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
