even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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