Ketchup is God's man juice
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
