How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize