I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
