If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
a search helicopter?!
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize