Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
