someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I cannot find my penis.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
