I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
