went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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