I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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