Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
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