My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
