Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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