Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
