I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Randomize
