I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
