i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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