it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize