hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
