am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
My hand turned me down
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
