Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
All the doctor said was why
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
