I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
