Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
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