i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
