it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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