I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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