while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Randomize
