I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Randomize
