i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
