so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
