he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
