I accidentally had phone sex last night
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize