TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize