you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
