my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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