Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
